think locally

 we're going to sutton tonight for the week-end! me and my dad and sister. should be good times, hopefully.

i think maybe i'm a bit too forceful a person. too forward. sometimes, it depends on the situation. well, i'm trying, en tout cas... i think i can be pretty dense and i think age might have something to do with it.

fact, ginger ice cream is ALWAYS good.

MORE FAKTZ ABOUT NAI

i'm tired, i need a shower.

but first i'm going to have to go down to drawn and quarterly and get a book signed for steph. if i can muster up the goddamn strength...

and i'm going through early e-mails between lon and i and it's making me all warm and fuzzies. i had a thought yesterday that i've completely forgotten what the fuck winter feels like. but tihs past winter, all i remember is new york and vermont, before and after that it's all a haze, until i met lon, and i remember that morning i thought i was working at 8 so we got up super early, i left, but came back ten minutes later because i was starting at 11. and leaving his house at like 6.30am the first time i slept over because i had to help my mom shovel out the driveway. and i remember my red flannel shirt, and i remember just being cold all the time, and pressing myself against his ridiculously warm body and feeling super fuzzy. funny, even when i sleep at home a few nights in a row, at some point i always end up seeing him even if it's just for an hour. this is the first time in a while that i'm not seeing him for two full days proper, and i thought it would be hard, but it's not. it's almost getting easier as we're getting closer to seeing each other tomorrow? i know it sounds stupid. but i'm just used to him all the time now. but i'm glad i'm seeing him tomorrow, i'm just also glad that i'm doing well without it.

i really don't want to leave the house now, it's colder out today and i have no pants oh wait. i have pants. okay so i have pants but it's cold out today.

k. some more ice cream. and then graham roumieu awaits.

graaaahhhhgr...

i probably should have read my last entry two days ago before flippin'. en tout cas. i'm trying. i'm trying to get rid of my constant, the anxiety and the OMFGz of it all. then again, yesterday he looked at a jar of peanut butter and said, "i love you" to it. and i loved him for it-

heeeeeyyy naaaiiii...

i don't think straight in the mornings, i get so very stubborn.-

um, i'm sleepy.... i have to wash things for work tomorrow. i feel like work's not going by fast enough. i've been spending a loooot of money. i guess not really a lot... but it's like i'm sick of being stingey. but now i have to go back to stingey, i have no choice. i counted things, by the end of summer my debt's cleared + marie-ève owes me moola + i might have some left over + my head hurts.

oh wow, i overthink things waaaay too much. i wrote some good stuff today. about how it's pointless for me to worry. because i don't want to say "i told you so" to my own self. and just because we had rough bumps it does not mean that it's setting the tone for the entire relationship, clearly. because it didn't. because we're having a great time now. and instead of seeing it as a bad thing, the fact that it didn't start off well, i'm trying to see it positively, as like, this is a good new challenge for me, to see things positively. it just clicked today, and i'm happy i thought that. like... it just made sense all of a sudden, i'm glad it came to me like that. that it's a positive challenge to take on. i sound like i should be doing yoga.

k enough of this i'm going to go read a good chunk of slaughterhouse-five so i can get through it and start some other book.

k so --

joel and i cleared things up today, i'm glad. i thought he really disliked me and turns out he actually likes me... it was a weird conversation, me crying a lot, him completely shocked, and us just getting on the same page. juan was a little harsh this morning and set me off basically. i never take anything he says personally because he's just tired and grumpy always, but this morning it felt like he was pointing fingers, at me, and i just didn't think it was fair. i felt like they thought i was intentionally ripping them off for pennies. en tout cas. joel talked a lot about giving and taking. we're good now.

i guess it's a weird thing to say because it never happens in the best of situations, but i LOVE seeing people utterly shocked. at whatever. it's just a good face to be seeing. that doesn't sound nice but it's coming from the best place possible.

but yeah, until this morning's conversation i was feeling like the next two months at work were going to go by hellishly slow. but now i feel like everything's going to wizz by. also jazz fest started today and i think that means insanity. no but sreiously, it means insanity. i didn't count my tip but lunch was fucking crazy and some people overtipped for no reason in particular. tourists?

and my freewill this week is basically telling me that crazy is coming my way, don't throw yourself at it. coincidence? 

i didn't really do anything i wanted to do tonight, but i guess i needed that. i need to make a list of things that i should be doing. i should probably play with van's camera a bit, since i got into video and will be doing a heck of a lot of that for the next summer. i want all our ideas to be good, too. i say our, i'm thinking me and nick. because i figure he and i will team up often enough for projects, 'cause i know he's good for it. i miss school, at the same time i'm worried that getting into the beat again is going to be hard as heck, especially when it's still two months away. i'm getting used to this lifestyle now, but i feel like i have no time for nothing, i have more time as a student i feel... i think having a boyfriend now definitely does not help, but i'm going to complain about that. :) seriously though, maybe it's the summerness... for me summer = people, not reading or doing things other than laying around in parks and taking walks. not necessarily a good thing. then again all those other things keep me out of seasonal depression. bla bla bla, i'm just thinking out loud. i guess what i mean to say is that during the summer, i feel out of touch with all those things i know about. because i don't read as much or pay attention as much because i'm fine without it. i don't know what i'm saying.

lon things are good. i'm still wary. i'm getting bored with my wariness but i wonder if it'll go anywhere. i definitely feel it going elsewhere... i just wonder if it'll ever go completely. i think it would just look stupid on my part further down the line. but seriously... i guess in a way i'm still surprised he's chosen to be with me. i'm not sure at times whether i believe him or not, and that's partly because of the way he expresses it (or more like, doesn't express it). he "does" things as opposed to saying things.... i think i tend to do both. i definitely say it, and i would like to think that my actions also reflect that (but maybe i'm tootin' my own horn). i'm not sure what i'm seeing coming from him. that doesn't mean that i don't see anything coming from him. i'm just wondering whether i'm misinterpreting or not, be it negative or positive. whatever, i'm definitely cuckoo over the boy. i'm a cheeseball, so i remember dates. um. in a few days it will be five months that we've MET. it feels like a lot longer sometimes, because of the ... part. which is such a haze now. the other day though we were in bed and i was thinking of that period, almost two months time, where i was miserable for specific reasons, and how stupid it was of me to not tell anyone about it, and now it's almost like i don't care who knows. well that's not entirely true but... i just mean to say i guess that my thought process was entirely different, i can't believe it even happened and i wonder if it did? could things have gone differently? does that really, honestly, contribute to who we are now, mostly because i'm not that person and i don't think that the way he saw me then contributed to him loving me now? because the way i saw him then defo contributed to me loving him now. so it's like... i feel like i see all of him, i'm not sure he sees all of me, but maybe i'm not giving him enough credit. we talk a lot, but that's not what we talk about. the other day he told me thought it was much more likely for me to meet someone than him. someone other, someone to get along with and for me to be a good fit with, and it's beyond me that he would say that. because it's like... i'm way too complex for that shit. i can't easily find anyone. wall street guy isn't a good fit because we both read books, you know? it's not obvious to anyone who doesn't have this heavy background, but for me it plays into everything, more than anyone who doesn't have that can imagine. and finding people like me is extremely rare, and people who understand and appreciate that even rarer (among those who do not have a similar background). en tout cas it's not a factor in anything anyway so i don't even know why i'm talking about it. i've just been doing well and i've been happy, so i don't write anything, but that doesn't mean i don't get the thoughts. the thoughts are definitely there. once a week or so ça me prends, i'll write him a letter telling him why i love him, two pages, four pages, and i fall asleep writing it, but i never give them to him because ... honestly it's because i don't think i'll ever hear the same things back. but it's not like it's out of spite, like well if he won't say it then i won't! it's just like... i think he already knows. so what's the point.

everyone's away? vanessa, jess, lachlan, marie-eve... i predict marie will come back questioning her relationship, jess will come back at least partially fixed, vanessa will take a while to contact me again because she's afraid, and lachlan will reclaim his bike, invite me over so we can cook together, and then join us peeps on the mountain at some point.

oh, man. i forgot. a week ago jess and i were sitting at pistol and i saw luc. he was walking down the street, i am pretty damn sure that was him. he got out of a cab with a girl and walked down st-laurent, she was tall and skinny and blonde and wearing a beret i think, but i don't even know because she could have been wearing anything. i saw them, and i saw him put his arm around her, and i was very, very shocked to see him right then and there of all places although why i'm not sure, but more than anything iw as so happy for him. that's ... i mean if i did see correctly., luc has someone., and he is actually going out for once., this is exactly why we could not have stayed in each others' lives., because i don't think it would have happened at all. i am very, very happy for him.

ummmm maybe it's too early for me to talk about next summer, but i have to find a job before i leave upstairs, something part time. i don't know if it'll be waitressing again, i don't think so, only because of scheduling, not because i don't want to. sinon i guess i'll just be asking people i know, but not too well, to help out with finding a job where they're working. i will need pocket money, and need to put money away for next summer, because i don't know if i can go more than two years without boarding a fucking plane, as much as i hate the way they smell and the way they feel. van's got this car that's for work, and the interior smells super new, just like airplanes. i hate that smell. it's disgusting. but it means travel, and it means leaving, and it means arriving, and it means other things, and it means seeing something i don't know, and living through something else for a change. but yeah i need to rake up enough cash for potentially a meet-up with last summer's armenia folks, potentially egypt or jordan (which will be partly paid for by my uncle because i'd be going for my skin), and potentially spain because i feel like if i don't do it soon i never will. maybe that's not true. it's also a question of, will i be taking summer classes (and the answer is most likely yes), and so where will i be working, and all that jazz, money and school stuff and jobs. the usual crap that i don't want dictating whether i can or can't travel, but i usually find a way around it.

all the things i want.

my dad does not have cancer! nor does he have lymphoma! it's just a bunch of inflammation. they're still figuring out why the heck he's had a low fever for almost three months, though. biggest relief. i went to see him tonight. we had an omelette, sardines, olives, S-shaped cookies, kiwi, cherries, v8... and a lovely chat about anything. i'm glad we didn't talk about the heavy stuff, i never want to. i think we just have to agree to disagree.

no toronto this week-end, we're going in a month instead.

i...

work is stressing me out. i realize that the second i leave, all of a sudden i lose all this tension that's built up throughout the day. joel freaks me out. he dismisses little things i say/ask about, he needs to have the upper hand in every given situation even if there is no question of upper hand, he's a bit much for me to handle. i'm pretty sure he thinks i'm a boring idiot. he doesn't give me any chance to explain anything, he's just very contemptuous of me. sometimes i feel like yelling at him, "how could you employ someone who you dislike so much, how could you put up with it, four days a week, for your own fucking sake??" it's just annoying. two more months. time flies, but only when i'm not at upstairs.

i wrote vanessa real quick, and she wrote back. which is... i was afraid she wouldn't. en tout cas. she's not in montreal right now, she's all over the country, but she should be back soon-ish and in a few weeks time i suppose i can see her, if she so desires.

what's the deal with everyone "re-arranging" these days? hm. "la lune est en saturne" or something.

the week-end was good. i didn't do too much, which is rare lately. i haven't really been reading. that's one thing i miss about winter, is that i find the time to sit and read. but yeah, the week-end was far too short. spending seven hours straight with steph on saturday felt like half that. i miss herrrr.

i saw my dad last night, for father's day. it actually went really, really well. i feel like ... if this is how things go, then i'm fine with seeing him. i'm a little worried, though... he might have lymphoma. and he gets the results on friday. lots of money stuff to talk about as well... big decisions to be making. j'ai toujours pensé que j'étais safe par rapport à ces affaires-là. good to know that i'm not impervious to life.

lately i've been thinking a lot about where we are in the year, more than half past, and how much has happened since january, and how much i've learned, and despite all the ups and downs i have to say the past six or seven months have been the greatest ride and i can only hope for more as cheese-o as that sounds. i'm just happy that i'm living and learning, that i get to experience this stuff. good or bad i'm just happy.

the weather's been nice and that only means one thing. actually it means plenty of things... but it also means the following. um... yeah, i'll just say it, i just don't understand the trying. van's got these magazines lying around, i bike downtown, through the plateau and up st-laurent every dya, and i just feel like ... i'm simply not concerned. it's the clothes. yes, i make an effort of course to look good. but... it's this idea of having "more" that i'm really not into. i can't ever say that i've fallen out of the system or anything like that, but i'm just so uninterested. i realize that i never shop in the summer. if i shop it's because i need something. i shop in the winter out of boredom. i also realize that besides pants and boots i probably don't have to buy anything for another year or so. it's just not necessary, i have more than enough. anyway... it's a good feeling to not be contributing to such an industry. it's just... i see people walking around, i see store displays, and i'm like... what are you trying for. it feels out of place. it reminds me of old advertisements, how it was so blatant that companies wanted you as a customer, and i feel like now they're just as desperate but cool is effortless so they can't say it out loud. je sais pas... it makes sense in my head. i just don't want in on that at all.

i'm going to toronto this week-end with lon. i wonder how the week-end will play itself out... i suppose i should tell my cousins and go for a drink or dinner with them? hm... i don't think i've mentioned this, but a few weeks ago he had a change of heart just as i was about to call things off and ever since it's just been a ton of fun. i'm still a little... i don't know. i miss him all the time. je me sens coucou un peu over him and i wonder if that's a bad idea on my part. i hate that i think in those terms. i wonder if i'll ever get over that. that seems to be the constant.

i haven't needed therapy in a while. i might go see him again towards the end of the summer or the beginning of classes? i don't know. is it just because it's summer? i definitely have been thinking of going lately. mostly because of the previous paragraph stuff....

the week-end was far too short. tonight i think marie-eve is coming over or something? i don't know but she's leaving for spain (GAAAAHHH) later this week so i'm seeing her tonight. we went to see tetsuo for free'z on saturday, a black and white japanese cyber-punk film from the '80's. highlight: dude trying to kill his girl with his massive drill cock. we left before it ended.

i'm late for work. i don't want to go.

iiiiiii need a proper notebook that i will love because the one van gave me a year ago is just no good, i forget it at home because i don't care about it. i need to find a proper one and i need to budget and i need to write down where every single penny spent is going to. my days are going by so fast now, it's hard to believe two and a half weeks ago i was unemployed. i still need to pick up the paycheck from lucy. i need to make time for that. also, once a week, need to make time to go see vivian at the hospital. she is going to go, sooner rather than later. also, um... everything goes by so fast i just don't know what i've done. fun fun. :)

Wow, I'm a loser... I just remembered, I owe Concordia Libraries 113 bucks. And the BANQ, I owe them 93 bones. Me and my stupid late fees... I have to pay that off by the end of the summer, fo sho. Before even remembering that I had put my plan to buy an iPod on hold, because I remembered Osheaga, and Toronto, and now the library fees (priority), and I have to bring my lunch in to work because aprox. six dollars a day adds up, fast. I'm not used to having so much cash, and I'm afraid I'm spending beyond my means even though I'm actually not? Maybe I am? I don't like counting money, I enjoy being cheap and just never reaching into my wallet... That's my meter, that's my indication of whether I'm spending or not, is how often I reach for my wallet. Hmmm.... I don't think I've spent on anything useless really, lately. Although I keep thinking to myself that I just want to stop by D+Q and buy a shitton of comix again. That's not useless but it is expensive.

I haven't ben home much. Seeing my room and bed, it feels weird. Untouched. I've been spending a looooot of time with Lon. Perhaps too much? Not that I'm complaining, because I love seeing him, always. But I was walking to his place after work to pick up my bike, and thought to myself, "Careful, Nai. Just, careful." I just don't want to get used to something that I won't be able to keep up (for whichever reasons that may be; school, work, personal stuff...) Anyway. A consequence of not spending as much time at home... or, of spending so much time with other people rather than with myself, is that I haven't been reading or been doing any of the stuff that I've promised myself I'd do. This week, I'll let it slide, because I've got the film to work on (which we shoot this week-end, thank god). But as of now, when I can (because if I say as of next week, it's just pushing it all back), I have to take any time I have and use it productively. I'm just very sleepy. I haven't been on the Internet much, so when I do get a chance I'll spend an hour or two browsing around. I do have other things to do, though. Eh... Right now, though, it feels really good to be home.

Oh ... loser part deux, I have to register for COMS fall classes. Oh yeah, I got into video!! Did I mention that? I got into video2 :) I'm really glad I got into my first choice. At the same time... Big Picture, guyz, is that what I want anyway? I'm trying to think up ideas for documentaries, I'm going to have to play around with Van's video camera a bit to get the hang of it before classes start again. Also, I have to start drawing. I kinda did a few weeks back then stopped. Unacceptable. If I don't get my hand back by the end of summer... I need my hand back by the end of summer. I spoke to Val about Nad and she said to just look at Ubisoft Campus instead.

I'm trying really hard to be organized. I realized that the big stuff that I had to do on my important list have been ticked off. I guess I'm doing good. At the same time, some of those things have been on there for fucking ever, and it was about time. For the most part, everything is doable by the end of summer. I get up at 8 every morning, either so I can take my time, or so I can get shit done. If I pace myself and do one of those things every morning, ... in fact in a matter of weeks I can get my shit done.

Man... as much as things are going well I really want this week to just be over, just because of shooting this week-end. I have a feeling it's going to be fucking disorganised as all heck and we're too tight on the schedule.

just a whole bunch of awesomeness lately.

plenty of little things to do this week, and people to see, and next week-end we're shooting, and there will be flea marketing and fringing and torontoing in the near future.

and i've budgeted somewhat, thanks to tips i'll most likely be able to clear off my debt by the end of summer and still have a bit left, and i think it's high time i got an ipod, too? the classic, not the stupid touch thing-o.

um. i'm gonna go make a list.

I'm making a concerted effort to type with capitals now, where they belong. I'm not sure why. It looks weird when it's coming from me.

I just deleted what I'd written even though it took forever because I don't want to jinx anything. Everything is coming along nicely. I'm going to go learn my wine list now, and learn the proportions for martinis.

i have a stupid cold, phlegm, and i don't understand why.

this week went by a lot faster than expected, thanks to my new job.

i have no experience whatsoever, but joel, my boss, is giving me a chance anyway. right now i am very fucking tired. very sleepy. and i'm learning the wine list and martini list, doing my best really. it's not easy. but yeah... he keeps reminding me that i work really fast and hard, but that i have no experience and it's the "conundrum of nairi." but he's keeping me, and i just want to impress him and prove to him that i can.

i'm really sleepy.... and hungry.

this morning i went to my foot doctor, in three months i should be getting an MRI scan for my ankle.

it's been an odd week. i have barely been seeing lon, and i think it's best that way. my head's been lose and as i am screwing it back on tightly i am getting flashes of things back, it's like little snaps, and.... it's all falling into place. it's amazing the things he thinks i don't know. like... fucking.... one day i'll tell everything.

i am going to review the wine list one more time and walk into work.

i got a job!!


fuck. yes. i'm so happy. it's at a jazz bar called upstairs, downtown, and the boss is awesomeness. i start training tomorrow, and i'm very, very nervous. but i'm really happy, because FINALLY i get to work. i've been fucking bored. i have two concerns about the job, though concerning my drink-making skills (um, which don't exist), and the fact that i said i wasn't just looking for a summer job. but.... things should go well. i'm soooooo happy!! my week was starting to look really long. also my boss is kind of awesome.


vanessa comes back on friday, and although i won't see her til next week, i'm excited. i'm thrilled, in fact.

i feel like i'm always the last. perhaps i am? anyway.... lately i've been thinking a lot about the way i'm living my life, perhaps i should just drop school, get a nice, good job, and move out on my own or with roommates, and just begin a sweet little life on the Plateau. i feel like i can be self-sufficient at this point, and i want to put it in practice. but then i know that i will be living with my mom for another four years because i'm a loser like that.

i've been questioning the attachment between my emotions and my body, my being able to control them....

i've been wondering if armenian-ness is worth it at all.

today i got a postcard in the mail from vanessa that she sent me from spain. i think she gets back in a week? i can't wait. the postcard basically reminded me of exactly why i'm so obsessed with her. i really miss her wit and humour and smarts.

char, lon's roomie, was nice enough to invite me to ladies' night last night. about a dozen of us, his ex was there, and it went exactly as i expected, everyone was great but i was a wee bit nervous because hey, i barely even know char. then we met up with the boys and had ourselves a pretty good night playing pool and drinking and getting food at la banquise. jesse and i spoke a lot, which is nice because i really like this guy's brain.

but anyway... i know that we are growing apart; not becoming friends, just friendly; and sometimes the conversation is forced or awkward. i'm not crazy about that. it's all getting much easier though, i'm taking a greater distance. and neither of us is putting as much heart into the sex. it's not about the frequency, because that's still the same. it's about the heart.

steph and mitch broke up. i don't know if it's for good, but steph is doing very, very okay. we've been looking out for each other a lot. i feel like there might be some nights where we will have sleepovers so we won't be sleeping alone.

lon and i had a good breakfast at bagel and a good walk back home. we were supposed to meet steph on the mountain but that didn't pan out, so we smoked up and tanned in the courtyard. but i was getting very annoyed by him. the pot/hash didn't exactly do me good. it put me in this mood.... i hated that i had to leave by a certain time just because i was seeing a play with mom and vania. i wanted to be able to leave whenever i wanted to. it annoys me that i'm always the one that has to leave. at the same time, i often feel trapped in his apartment and need out. it kind of stifles me.

i had unpleasant dreams last night, one definitely had to do with the simpsons episode where homer gets a gun, which we watched right before going to bed. i dreamed of a similar situation, chris and some mafioso's having guns in my house, and i woke up pissed off at chris, haha. the other dream was me vandalizing a store, a few stores, but with nice words, and almost getting caught, and toby, who jess always says was uber protective of me, came to get me and was just telling me how bad it was for my wellbeing to be doing that. it was weird.

i want to sleep a good night.

i'm a little upset because i didn't get the job. the only reason she didn't give it to me is because it's part-time THEN becomes full-time, and she thought i'd leave if i found something else. very, very frustrating to have almost landed exactly the job i was looking for...

i had a good two days, though! i went running through the park yesterday, then met up w xan and we got pretty drunk and did NOT talk about boys, then i ran into li and his brother, then i met up w jess and we danced and had varenekes at the main. YUM. i got to bed at almost 4. this morning i woke up, pulled out weeds for almost three hours and it's only half done, and i have a sunburn and i'm happy because it's keeping me toasty. i met up with chris and we spent time on the mountain, jess came by, too, then steph, then just me and chris at his place, then with steph back to the mountain again, and now i'm back home. and tomorrow i will make tapioca for char's thing, and i will see steph, and i will apply for a shitton of jobs. and chris and i took some mdma today and it was wow. it's great because there's no speed so i know i can sleep later, in fact i am sleepy already anyway. it's been a good two days of realizing a lot of things.... just let this week-end go how it's meant to, and then we'll see.

i have really great friends.

i have an interview tomorrow, i hope it goes well because i don't want to look for any other jobs because it's annoying. also i'm getting motherfucking bored because i've finished a lot of the projects i'd set for this summer, because i thought i'd be working a lot earlier and i thought it would take me that long to do them. at least i'm done!



i'm still fucking emotional as all heck, but when i'm doing okay, i'm doing better every time. so that's something to look forward to. it's been an odd week with him, he threw me off, and for some reason it looks like i'm the one fuhreakin' when he's the one who started it all... that sounds like i'm blaming him, i'm not. anyway, somme toute, j'ai perdu mon appetit et je mange tres, tres peu. and it's funny because when i'm depressed, i eat more. but i'm not depressed. like.... i'm still in a good mood generally. it's odd. i just forget to eat. i'm not sure if it has run its course, i'm a bit of a sucker though so i'm going to wait it out and see if it goes on this way. circumstances were different slightly this past week, so i can understand that he's been distant. now it's my turn. still, i can't help but feel silly for letting myself get carried away.



chris from new york sent me our georgia photos, which is awesome, but only ten of them, which is way less awesome. he says they're all crap. i remember taking a shitton at the beach and they turned out nice. anyway... beggars can't be choosers? iunno.



i need drugs. i'm gonna get some drugs this week.



i'm gonna go start reading moby dick. it's been like three years that i've had an active interest, i had to finish lon's book first and now FINALLY i get to dive in. he's already 2/3 through his copy. yeah, we bought them together.


man i miss entourage.

ugh...

ANYWAY I went to see Flammend Herz last night at the closing night for MUFF:



It's about three awesome old German farts and their love of tattoos. The one to the far right even had his palms tattoed, and tattoo artists don't do that. The one on the far left opened the first tattoo shop ever in Germany. It was fucking great, and sweet, and funny, and you can't even tell what these guys' tattoos are sometimes because they're so faded, and they still get tattooed. Awesomeness.

i've gone back til about a year from now in my entries, tagging everything, and it's really insightful to see how much worse than this i have been before. how much progress i actually HAVE made. it's very rewarding. to see how much i've changed... how i express myself, what i care about, what i focus on, HOW i do things, my swagger... i'm probably jinxing myself but really, truly.... it feels good.