okay... so i just found out that i am graduating next semester... at the beginning of the semester, i was certain i had two YEARS left. four semesters, including this one. then i recounted (but apparently miscalculated) my credits, and i thought i had a year and a half left, so i'd be graduating next fall semester. but apparently, this coming winter semester is my last.

on the one hand... good god, i am so sick of writing papers. on the other hand, good god, i am not ready to face the real world!! i gotta get cracking now. i don't even have an internship under my belt... crap. this is completely awesome and so scary at the same time.

mmmmm tea....


one more week of school, then vacation... much needed.

i got an alpaca wool sweater on saturday and i never, ever want to take it off. so warm!! i feel all toasty. so perfect for the cold coming, plus it started to snow today. i want alpaca wool everything, alpaca scarf alpaca long johns alpaca mittens... why so expensive :(

disgusting roommate has not cleaned frying pan in a few days, had to cover it with saran wrap, the entire apartment smells like garbage. disgusting roommate, where are you?? i refuse to do your dirty work...

my boyfriend just got a job in the kitchen of one of my very favourite places to eat in montreal. tomorrow, he's starting in binky's kitchen at fuschia. i'm so excited for him!







_________________

i'm also very tired all the time. i wish i hadn't cancelled that blood test appointment. i suppose i'll see by the end of the year, when i've had time to rest properly, whether or not it is simply because i do not have a steady routine, or if something is actually wrong with me. also the past month or so i've been grinding my teeth a lot. in the daytime, not at night. and i'll take a nap any chance i get. i know that part of that is escape, because i'm not crazy about... so many things in my life right now. but... the word that comes to mind is dismal.

i am still so anxious about my relationship. i don't know why it is so but i am still in shock at everything that happened from march to june. i am going to see a psychic with jess soon (laugh all you want) and... i feel like i already know what i'll be told. my predictions usually are right-on. it's my expectations that aren't. and i predict that he will tell me all the things i do not want to hear. that lon and i will not last, and worse, that it will be because he'll meet someone else. that i will not be able to find a job for years after i graduate, and will live with my mom til i'm 30. that i will never find true, requited love, ever (again?). that i will be a single mother and my children will grow up disliking me. that i will never do anything worthwhile, that i will never make a difference, that i will always be missing out. because i always miss the train. that i will simply fuck everything up, that i will live in paralysing fear for the rest of my life. that i will never be able to make myself happy, that i will not even know how. that i will never travel again (the fucking HORROR). que je vais pleurer comme une madeleine pour le restant de mes jours. although, these are the worst-case scenario's... not necessarily predictions.

i have all these little fantasies of what it will be like... will i ever be able to make it happen? the honey rack, the green walls, not a single piece of ikea furniture... this is the life.

STAY TUNED FOR MORE WHINING

i had such a nice, full week-end. :)


it is extremely satisfying to cook something simple for myself. i generally don't make the effort anymore... on the week-ends, i go for breakfast with lon and we make something completely and utterly boring for dinner, or pick something gross up. and during the week i'm just running around, barely eat anything for breakfast because apparently i can't be bothered? and then i'm starving at ten, and i eat something bad i got from school, and pick up something easy because i don't have time to make a proper, yummy dinner. also, lon's roommates practically have a monopoly of the goddamn fridge, so stocking up on veg and fruit and meat is out of the question. it's just annoying.


but i'm done school in less than two weeks (WOO!!), and technically... i suppose i should be looking for a job first thing. except i think i'll wait a little, i think i'll take my time to organise, and just make sure that i get a good schedule going, for my body. i need a schedule for my eating, because otherwise it fucks up my digestion. i am also having a hard time staying away from junk, like cookies and the like. also dairy products. i also need to buy a real winter coat first thing when i'm on break. priority!!


anyway.... i was so fucking tired today, so i took a two-hour nap when i got home. got up at 7, and mom and i went grocery shopping, which inspired me just a little. adonis always does, they have such a great variety of food. anyway, i made chicken with lemon and kalamata olives with a side of saffron rice, and just enough for tomorrow's lunch. i also bought plenty of nuts and little snacks, so instead of going for cookies and chips when i'm getting a little hungry, i'll eat something healthy.

"extreme emotional upheaval" might be right.

i'm not sure what i'm doing. i think i am the happiest i have ever been at this point in my life. and yet i go through ups and downs daily, it's ridiculous.

i just figured out that indeed, i have two semesters left until i graduate. and i'm really trying to get responsible before i have to actually face the real world. the way i do my schoolwork, the way i feel like i shouldn't have to put up with a "shitty" job, although i'm too good for that (except i'm a student, and that's what students do); i know that i act spoiled in my decisions a lot of the time when it comes to that stuff, and at some point i won't have the freedom to make such choices, i can't just decide not to go to work, or not to go to school, and do an assignment half-assed if i feel like it because i don't enjoy it. there will be no place for mediocrity when i enter the real world, and it's fucking weird. i'm the youngest of two kids, the second youngest of all my cousins (and there are lots). i have been looked after and treated like the baby of the family for so long, that i expect people to pick up after me if i fuck up. since my sister has moved out, i have fended for myself a bit... but not that much. i still have been able to rely on her to push me, to kick me in the ass when i'm being lazy as all heck. it's a big thing to have to face, when you very well know that what you're doing is not the ultimate for you, it's so immature of me but this is la vie.

that said... there is something big that i have decided to prep for. it will require a lot of control in different aspects of my life. it is participation and moving away from things i know. so i'm glad that i thought of doing this. i am going to keep it on the DL for the next little while... but i will eventually talk about what it actually is, if it happens.

aaaaah i want new glasses already!

this song is making me think. i wonder if there will be a day where i will be able to not look back, if there will come a day where i can just up and go and leave everything, without leaving a trace. at least not a physical one. will i ever be able to think this way for more than a few hours at a time. if i were to leave on a whim, would i want to just come back three days later. none of my feelings are sustained for long enough for me to know whether they are genuine or not.


my eyes hurt, i'm tired.

so it's my birthday in eight days... i suppose i should be excited. i just never like the attention. it's why it's not up on my facebook, why i never do parties etc. i wish everyone could just kind of forget about it, and listen to me when i tell them i don't want anything, except maybe a peck on the forehead, and let's just move on. i don't want all the attention. nevertheless, i'm blessed that my family and friends DO remember and DO want to do things for me.

i suppose this time is slightly weirder because... well, 22's been good. i'm turning 23 on the 24th. a year away from my champagne year. 22 was fucking big. everything has happened this year... it has been the most defining year of my life as of yet, so much good and so much bad, so many fucking tears and so much happiness, i just feel like turning 23, or the new year sneaking up real quick, is just unnecessary. nothing changes on the day, except your age, and i won't feel wiser or anything, i'll just feel exactly the same. the year i fell in love, the year i did acupuncture, the year i didn't travel, the year i stopped talking to my father, the year i learned to waitress, the year i had serious health issues, the year i lost tons of weight, the year i started to to enjoy the present moment most, the year i learned the most... i don't want to leave. j'veux pas que ca se termine. mais helas...

23, bring it.

-- oh when we was young, oh man did we have fun

hahahahahah artists in love!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

i went into lunch at upstairs today, and fuck do i miss everyone :( my job at JFL is not really doing well... i can't give them as many hours now, and now they're all BUT YOU SAID YOU WOULD and i know it's not the wisest move, but ... i'll be working the last week or two of december at upstairs, and i can't do both. so... i don't know, i guess i have to quit. i'll find something brand spanking new and fresh in january. but seriously, if joel wanted to rehire me proper again, i would be back there in a heartbeat. i fucking miss the place so much, i felt SO comfortable sitting in there... i know the place by heart. i was actually weirded out that NOTHING had changed (physically!), but it was so comforting. joel didn't even look overworked in the least, and he's got a new baby! i'm always impressed with this guy. plus, dave is back bartending which is fantastic for the place. miss it like mad. :)

  waaaooooaaawwwwwaaaahhhh!

 my mom is so sweet, i was sick yesterday so she took care of me, made me chicken soup from scratch. and then i ate a drumstick, it was delicious.


so i spent the morning doing nothing, and then when i felt better, i came over to lon's, and spent the rest of the day doing more of nothing en compagnie de mon bien aimé, which was awesome. cuddled for god knows how long, realized lon fell asleep so i took a walk with jesse through parc lafontaine, then we "made`dinner (rice, with Commensal chili) and peppermint chocolate chip cookies, and watched blue planet until i fell asleep on the couch. woke up in the middle of the night in bed to tell him that "i understand now why you resemble santa claus." he's still asleep, hopefully for lunch we'll go to pat pat and share a patatine. in the meantime i'm getting some schoolwork done, which is nice.


it's really nice to be able to sleep in with him on a monday. i don't know that i mentioned this or not? he got laid off last week. he had been told a few weeks prior so he was ready. i think he might be a teensy bit scared that he won't find anything proper, but other than that i think he's hopeful, plus he didn't like the job at all anymore anyway. so i'm happy for him, it's a proper kick in his tiny little adorable bum.


i have been ordering things online. i have been spending. it's only the 9th, and i can't imagine what my visa bill is going to look like. new boots, new jeans, new clothes and books galore... it's all worth it. i cannot WAIT to get my special edition of ghost world in the mail. i also got the fantagraphics 20/20 promo which is fucking sweet. it'll be a nice thing to get in the mail while i'm waiting for blakroc stuff. but until the end of the month... no more spending, and i have to return that 160$ dress that i bought last month if i want to justify the rest of my spending.


somehow i didn't sleep very well last night, there was a looooot of tossing and turning, and waking up feeling very sad, although my dreams were perfectly fine. i need to catch up on my sleep, i don't think i'll have any uber-late nights for a little while.


i've been listening to lots of nick drake. i don't have much of his at home but it's on repeat. him, and elliott smith. i don't do this often, but i'm listening to the music itself more than to the lyrics. i generally listen to a song as a whole, or focus on the lyrics so i can sing along. i already know lots of elliott smith by heart because i've been listening to him for years, but nick drake, it hasn't been so long. i don't want to sing along with him, it's too precious. i listen to his voice a lot, and just the whole feel. i think if i were to listen to his lyrics i'd realise how depressing it all really is... 

 i am definitely going to be looking for a new job... i have come to realise that an internship at Just For Laughs... it's probably delusional for me to think that it's a possibility. i'm probably the "worst" employee they've got so far. i'm not BAD per se, i just don't think i'm particularly valued, or reliable, so... yeah. anyway i'm definitely looking for something else, i want to get back into waitressing. also, the fact that i've been here for almost two months, and have received two paychecks, one of which was just a slip for a direct deposit that i did not get... fucking bullshit.


school has been okay, got some mid-term stuff back. got an A- on my mass communication mid-term (WOOT!!), a B on my public discourse paper (way better than what i was expecting, it was an incredibly half-assed paper) and... disappointingly... a C (I think) on my visual communication and culture mid-term. the prof said something about the average being a B, but i don't buy it because EVERYONE that i talked to got a worse mark than me. I got 71%, which i am pretty sure is a C, and what upsets me about this mark is that... everything i wrote on the exam was almost all perfect. where i lost marks is the last page, the stupid fucking fill-in-the-blanks. i hate that!! i got THREE out of ten of those answers right, which accounts for HALF of my lost marks. i feel like going in and talking my way up 4%, so i can at least get a B-... i'm trying really hard in this class, i really love it and love the prof, and i understand everything, and it's just right up my alley, but van wyck is not the easiest grader, and i'm actually quite thankful for that i suppose. i like him a whole bunch, i'd love to take another class with him.


other than that... i'm really excited about our next video. i'm working with eliane and aaron, who i will also be working with on our final project next semester. so! i'm really excited, because we're doing a short documentary on this guy bruce fowler, who was the go-to guy for the hell's angels for thirty years when it came to assembling their motorcycles!! fucking insane!! he's in lennoxville, two hours out of montreal, which is aaron's hometown. i'm fucking psyched and pumped about this. we're going next week-end, and potentially the one after as well. i'm glad that school stuff is smooth.


there were four shows i wanted to see this month. dan deacon last night (and i forgot about it, lachlan called and i was pooped), dan auerbach on sunday (but it's too expensive), M for Montreal at metropolis (but i'll be in lennoxville most likely) aaand apostle of hustle (but we're doing a ladies' night). maybe i should listen to more music.


i really want to see vanessa again soon.


i want to take more time to pay attention to art. i haven't watched any films in a long time or anything like that. i want to fall back into the things i love, animation and comix and all that jazz.


i really need some more sleep. it's getting to be that time of year where my psoriasis is getting pretty bad on my face because of the weather, and also the lack of sleep... i'm starting to look like hell.


things i need: warm socks, the dopest winter jacket, gloves /mittnes and scarf, underwear, and a big fat sweater i can wear every day.

 from now on, any and EVERY time the STM fucks up, i am writing them a complaint.

something's happening with my wisdom teeth.

this week-end in new york was fucking draining. i didn't leave this place to have the energy sucked out of me. 

 brooklyn was disappointing... not brooklyn per se, but ... the stay in brooklyn. anyway i'm back early, and i'm glad. i have a little more time to do school stuff now.

what made the trip worth it was seeing anette, jirair and narine. they are just too precious! i had squid-ink linguine on friday night, and i'm still pooping black. nice. 

how did i end up working in a call center again.